it's nothing day. i am in denial that it's ever going to end so i am refusing to do anything with this day. i have been singing songs on the inside because it's safe. and today i've been trying to open my mouth to let them out. i was going to buy some kyanite but didn't get a chance.

since, i am in denial about things in my life right now, which feels like temporary amnesia; i will tell you what is going on with my friends:

caitlin is depressed and there is nothing I can do. every time this happens I ask if she is going to be ok and she says she doesn't know. but at least she is not refusing to come out this time.

nadia is going out with a man who has a big beard, doesn't believe in paying for the woman and is in the business of making "sustainable porn." sustainable, as in green. she says she wants to have his children.

J is still doing the same thing. still with the crazy girlfriend. his mom his losing it. nothing new.

lukas has finished his short film. again. it doesn't seem much different that last time he finished it but he is perfecting it. i just discovered that he really does write music and is very talented at it, and one time he actually performed bravely and succinctly for an audience. he has videos to prove it.

stephen is getting over a dysfunctional 2 month relationship. he cries and he is beautiful. i don't really get to see him bc i don't want billy to check out of my life. although i do have faith that he will one day understand and maybe he even does now. maybe he won't leave me on the double and will think that everything we've been through is worth the working out of things. but i don't know. i'm afraid.

roxanne doesn't talk to me about the details of what is going on with her. maybe because we only see each other at work. i know she is getting a divorce and she burst into tears while mixing a mud wrap in the stock room and when i put my arms around her, she pushed me away and ran down the hall. maybe she's got other friends whom she can relate to and can take warmth from them. i think so. i can see that michele is one of those people. and that gave me some relief.

billy. of course. he is working constantly. sometimes he gets stressed but he is the type of person who always seems to be in a pretty good mood. when he goes about his business, he coos, squalks, chirps, guffaws, cackles, scats, rhymes, recites and speaks in tongues. he makes quite a bit of noise sometimes and i have mixed feeling about this. he is happy to do what i want to do. he complains about david and when i form opinions based on his complaints, he laughs at me and tells me he's a good friend that has always come through for him. i have thrown up my arms.

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what is going on with some other people i know:

david is 55. he had his first child. c is 33. c and he are the posture couple. i am starting to see that c has emotions, she is not all that hard. their kid is special. he is one of me. i want to spend time with him alone and just hang out and play. i wish i were in the position to just hang out with an infant naked in a house all day. who says you can't do anything with a baby around? i would do drawings, paintings, do performance art..  i bet i could make it happen. i bet everybody! but i would not want to be in the city. it would have to be somewhere quieter. i am only 30. there is time.

dad and tammy are taking us to the circus at the end of the month. i haven't seen them in months. between these outings, there is almost no contact. sad.

my mom and joe are the same. i am beginning to accept them as they are. they are not going to change. if they piss me off, i can always leave the room, house, restaurant, etc. but going on a car trip with them could get crazy.

greg. my cousin. he's the same. he's 40 i think. and practically virginal. living with parents. playing video games and going to conventions. he is coming over tonight so we can go to a movie. when he gets excited during action scenes, he will clap his hands.