things are actually working out. absorbing the vibrations. everything is a mess, though. i wasted a lot of paper today. i really miss people. this whole being civilized thing, i want to make it suit me. still be me, but with different scenery. it's like pam deciding that because she is going to be a grandmother and doesn't like the sound of grandma-ish names like gramma, granny, nanna... she decided that her grandma name is going to be grace. and her daughters are not going to let this happen because they think it is ridiculous for her to change her name bc she's got a new role in life. it would be like changing my name to francis because i got this new job at the rehab center. i am glad to know that other people are in self denial for reasons of their own, it's not just me. role changes are hard because you can forget who you are. i tried to change my name many times, and some people have given me names for free. like sea, and sprout, and simmie.

there are moments i think i am sad, but i'm not. i think i'm just not breathing right, or something.

i say "hi billy" even when he is not here. it's for self comfort, i think.

a client talked about missing her cat. i said that i miss brooklyn sometimes but i feel like she's walking with me. i make sounds like her. it came out of nowhere. i am possessed by the spirit of a dead cat.

it's a comatose pridezilla kind of a day. it's a jungle out there. i was afraid to be touched so i gained dimension in my own close quarters. my uterus is shooting blanks, i hung it out to dry so i won't get hurt. hello. it rained mackerel, it rained trout. tom waits is here with me now, also. i am going to make an artifact of him, or rather of what he represents, and pray to it. not like worshiping an entity, but worshipping the fact of the art.

i discovered a new way of making my shoes. and a new way of making love that doesn't involve physics, so that the people downstairs could sleep. i discovered that his lips contained a new fold-out structure as if they were multiplying and i thought for a second that he might swallow me and i was afraid but then realized that being afraid was a new process i had to embrace in order to get to ecstasy.

the clouds and the weight of cold. the boys and men and the women salespeople like glue and cuts. i smell gritty jalapeno black. i warn you i'm not all to good at explaining myself, or at carrying anything heavy. but i'm fierce. i can throw wind at you and make you eat yourself starting from the toes without cutting anything off. fasten you to the tortoise. and never weigh anything ever again.