• What they don't tell you is that you will be good at nothing for a while. That you will be pushing a rock so big that you will not be able to see what's ahead except you are going up a steady incline and there may be some potholes so you have to go slow. It is important to feel the terrain. You will forget who you thought you were but have flashbacks to those simpler times. You will be clumsy and if you pride yourself on being graceful it will make you cry and sweat at the same time. And you will greet people all wet with a fraction of your personality.
  I wish I really wanted to read this. I have to get myself enthused about the most boring shit I never imagined I'd be doing. And doing so in the most impossible of conditions possible in the world of Privilege. 

ok. let's create an atlas. the grid lines will go from near to far, past to present. the scale expressed as a ratio of me to you. ready. set. go.

man of the moment. as patriarch, he is strong and holds the attention and esteem of his audience. his words carry on like machine punctual energy. you watch from a distance. his breath is familial comfort. the smell of his sperm. he sees you, he looks into you and says you don't matter. he shrinks, becomes a child monk and walks inside a miniature temple and disappears. you are curious to follow but notice there is a train of blood.

you waited all day for him to come. you picked a hang nail, and the blood has crusted over. you find an empty room and fill it with earth. invite me. we can be silent.

hear the birds, they are screaming. see the wand. watch the lumps on your belly form. is there a hand. is there a throne? swallow the mucus, watch the wound heal. caress the air, the sand. we are the land. we are death.

our bodies are stacked. for the purpose of making love. i can't find your hole. and you've found the wrong one of mine. singing sounds in the hallways echo and faze. remember i was on a swing. on the way up you i saw the sun. you smiled. an old bum shouted "i forgive you!"

can't find a match to ignite this load of remains. will we recall a past of earth or ash? have you the gaul to discover which faces are hiding between my ribs, in the folds of my knees? it was only this morning you noticed the bony landmarks of a bruised fruit. where scorched flesh reveals a delicate light, i meant to travel with you someday.

things are working out. don't worry.

no one is listening. the black on white is soothing. i want my life to be black on white space. white marble around me. white marble and black quilts. and endless sky.
i am here and no one is listening. i don't want them to anyway.
it is peaceful.

i may go make a mask for my next performance. if that even happens. all i know is that i will make a mask. i will not go into the city. i have time to make my bed. i have sent kisses over the phone. i can maximize my time.

i have friends, people who miss me. but i must do this now. i must do nothing now.

it's nothing day. i am in denial that it's ever going to end so i am refusing to do anything with this day. i have been singing songs on the inside because it's safe. and today i've been trying to open my mouth to let them out. i was going to buy some kyanite but didn't get a chance.

since, i am in denial about things in my life right now, which feels like temporary amnesia; i will tell you what is going on with my friends:

caitlin is depressed and there is nothing I can do. every time this happens I ask if she is going to be ok and she says she doesn't know. but at least she is not refusing to come out this time.

nadia is going out with a man who has a big beard, doesn't believe in paying for the woman and is in the business of making "sustainable porn." sustainable, as in green. she says she wants to have his children.

J is still doing the same thing. still with the crazy girlfriend. his mom his losing it. nothing new.

lukas has finished his short film. again. it doesn't seem much different that last time he finished it but he is perfecting it. i just discovered that he really does write music and is very talented at it, and one time he actually performed bravely and succinctly for an audience. he has videos to prove it.

stephen is getting over a dysfunctional 2 month relationship. he cries and he is beautiful. i don't really get to see him bc i don't want billy to check out of my life. although i do have faith that he will one day understand and maybe he even does now. maybe he won't leave me on the double and will think that everything we've been through is worth the working out of things. but i don't know. i'm afraid.

roxanne doesn't talk to me about the details of what is going on with her. maybe because we only see each other at work. i know she is getting a divorce and she burst into tears while mixing a mud wrap in the stock room and when i put my arms around her, she pushed me away and ran down the hall. maybe she's got other friends whom she can relate to and can take warmth from them. i think so. i can see that michele is one of those people. and that gave me some relief.

billy. of course. he is working constantly. sometimes he gets stressed but he is the type of person who always seems to be in a pretty good mood. when he goes about his business, he coos, squalks, chirps, guffaws, cackles, scats, rhymes, recites and speaks in tongues. he makes quite a bit of noise sometimes and i have mixed feeling about this. he is happy to do what i want to do. he complains about david and when i form opinions based on his complaints, he laughs at me and tells me he's a good friend that has always come through for him. i have thrown up my arms.

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what is going on with some other people i know:

david is 55. he had his first child. c is 33. c and he are the posture couple. i am starting to see that c has emotions, she is not all that hard. their kid is special. he is one of me. i want to spend time with him alone and just hang out and play. i wish i were in the position to just hang out with an infant naked in a house all day. who says you can't do anything with a baby around? i would do drawings, paintings, do performance art..  i bet i could make it happen. i bet everybody! but i would not want to be in the city. it would have to be somewhere quieter. i am only 30. there is time.

dad and tammy are taking us to the circus at the end of the month. i haven't seen them in months. between these outings, there is almost no contact. sad.

my mom and joe are the same. i am beginning to accept them as they are. they are not going to change. if they piss me off, i can always leave the room, house, restaurant, etc. but going on a car trip with them could get crazy.

greg. my cousin. he's the same. he's 40 i think. and practically virginal. living with parents. playing video games and going to conventions. he is coming over tonight so we can go to a movie. when he gets excited during action scenes, he will clap his hands.

things i ate in 2007: celery, lettuce, leafy greens, carrots. prunes. corn chips.
things i ate in 2008: onions, apples, green veggies, tomato sauce, tomato soup
things i eat now: everything.

my hair is dark red purple black.

billy and i are coming to a slippery understanding. i have been trying to explain my weirdnesses and he has been acting like i'm normal but that i'm just refusing to be reasonable sometimes. i'm like sometimes that isn't an option. and then he says i need therapy, allergy shots and acceptance. there's no winning.

this apple is rotting and i can't bring myself to throw it out yet.

sometimes, i talk to stephen. this is ok to me. ain't nothing wrong with platonic friends who understand and appreciate your creative impulsive energy. it is not a need or want. it is just there for the taking and i take it and it feels good.

i am very happy that caitlin is in my life. she makes me feel stable.

yet i long to have movement in my life.

things are actually working out. absorbing the vibrations. everything is a mess, though. i wasted a lot of paper today. i really miss people. this whole being civilized thing, i want to make it suit me. still be me, but with different scenery. it's like pam deciding that because she is going to be a grandmother and doesn't like the sound of grandma-ish names like gramma, granny, nanna... she decided that her grandma name is going to be grace. and her daughters are not going to let this happen because they think it is ridiculous for her to change her name bc she's got a new role in life. it would be like changing my name to francis because i got this new job at the rehab center. i am glad to know that other people are in self denial for reasons of their own, it's not just me. role changes are hard because you can forget who you are. i tried to change my name many times, and some people have given me names for free. like sea, and sprout, and simmie.

there are moments i think i am sad, but i'm not. i think i'm just not breathing right, or something.

i say "hi billy" even when he is not here. it's for self comfort, i think.

a client talked about missing her cat. i said that i miss brooklyn sometimes but i feel like she's walking with me. i make sounds like her. it came out of nowhere. i am possessed by the spirit of a dead cat.