pennies. penis.

minutes before i have to leave. i can't make reservations, he isn't awake yet.

now i see a thing; a piece of art, show, exhibit, concert. and i'm like.. oh shit, there's something else i have to go out and see. but sometimes i don't watch just to get it over with, sometimes it's fun, it's relaxing and light. the last one i remember was the medieval baebes. some say the middle ages never occurred, that historian have accidentally inserted 300+ filler years into our timeline and we're really living in the 18th century.

we waited on line last night for 15 minutes to a show that we decided not to see. we would get tickets later. we said we'd walk in the park but we did none of that. we came home and passed out after watching a couple of trailers. i'l watch 5 trailers at the cinema and then want to leave because i've had my fill of sensory input.

hellooo closet. hellooooo.

i really have to leave soon but want to say a little more.

it's as if i have to compensate in words for the words i've given out to people, i need to make up some more to keep for myself so i don't run out.

the door.

it's new years eve and we have nothing to do. we are tired. but i want to dance. i will dance tomorrow at the poetry festival. i made some music for the occasion. i sat at my desk and it gently oozed out of me. but i didn't sing. and i sent it to a friend who answered back that he adores me. and i felt adored.

fiona, come see me, i want to hold you close to me. i won't be shy this time.

there should be a word for the feeling you get at the possibility of going somewhere. like something is rushing you forward, but at that point you have the ability to control it because you've not yet figured out the details. a subtle current..

in death she casts her spell, all night we hear her sighs and now a girl has come that has her eyes

3 days no alcohol. i feel similarly, maybe not as emotional. but perhaps that could be for a number of reasons. i had tar coming out of me the other day and lisa was convinced that i was pregnant. i said, no, not possible. caitlin said last night that she wanted me to make babies. the idea of making babies for other people is a little nauseating. to be honest, i wish i could procreate, but i have to get out of this city and into a like-minded community that won't judge me first. raising kids is now a political act. i remember when i got pregnant when i was with patrick, and tom wrote me an essay on email about how i should get an abortion because i have never stuck to any project in my life, and he was pretty certain i wasn't going to start then. i thought someone should put him out, really. but he was right. not about the not following through on anything. that i proved him wrong years later when i announced that i was going back to school, and he wrote me to tell me that i shouldn't make decisions that are long term without deciding every possible negative outcome. all this drama about a 2 year program. my best friend at the time told me her doubts about it as well, and later she dumped me saying i am phony hippie. i felt as though i had no real friends. but concentrating on studies helped me to ignore that. and then caitlin popboy became a real mensch and we became great friends. and now i love the people i work with. but i want more. more souls. 99 souls.

i might be about to embark on a journey through neurology school. key word: might. i've acquired a deep curiosity of neuroscience and neuropathology.

perhaps the sobriety is helping bc i no longer tear up when i tell you these things.

me: I just yelled at my mom

Caitlin: Why

10:19 AM me: Bc she said that tammy is chinese and they are greedy and she is just marrying my dad for money. Its human nature and if I dont realize it I will later as in life.

Caitlin: OMG OMG

me: I was like Fuck that

10:20 AM Caitlin: screw that is right

me: Yeah.

Caitlin: that's awful

10:21 AM me: I went off on her. I said you're so negative and faultfinding of people and i've had it. You have nothing but bad thoughts to share that serve nobody's purpose

Caitlin: and what did she say

me: And I've had it.

10:22 AM Caitlin: what did she say

me: And she said well ill think about it and see if that is true.. and ill try to make a point to change if I need to

Caitlin: wow

me: So weird..

Caitlin: weird

me: I see how Im like her.

Caitlin: very therpist of her

me: Yes

10:23 AM Sigh..

Caitlin: aw i am sorry

me: Still.. I can't imagine her ever being reasonable

10:24 AM But I hope to be among reasonable people in the future.. who have hearts

Caitlin: you do have a heart!

oh oh i get it

10:25 AM you want to be around good hearts

me: Yes

10:26 AM I want to put my guns down. But with these people I am constantly on guard. Bc they raised me

The more contact I have, the more I get pulled in

10:27 AM And the more I can't trust people like billy and his family who are worthy of trust.

maybe i won't flinch this time

when you bite down on me

to see if i am really there

or if i am just your imagination

playing tricks with your mind.

i give salmon, as santa this year

desirous of you to be vital.

but you may be a vegetarian now

i'll wait forever, my cricket

to be, maybe, your pacifier

to sing with you in the night

in the shrub.

to find wakefulness at dawn

in the new turn of the century

spaghetti

wrap-around film.

but grace will go on.

though oceans come violently

from shaken rock

giving in to the dizzier spin

even as war cries from the astrological

-gravity will tell us which way is up.

as sure as you or me

with hands wrapped, not bound

i think maybe i'm ready to do ayahuasca. change needs to happen, perhaps violently. the gentleness of time is anxiety provoking. what if there is no revolution? i'm glad to see that the people of america are not as apathetic as i thought. i decided that i'm not annoyed that people are showing their tits at OWS. just because everyone doesn't understand you, doesn't mean that there isn't truth in what you have to say.

it's been an emotional week. billy's aunt angie just died. he hasn't really mourned yet. but i did cry. i hold her in my mind firmly because i feel that we connected and were on the level instantly. she was a caring unique soul. i tried not to act too emotional in front of the family because i didn't want to think.. what the hell is the outsider upset for? not so much the sisters and the brothers in law, but the daughter. i feel her eyes on me. i have both warm and harsh thoughts that i wish i could obliterate with psychic helium or whip its. to whip the passion out of me and refocus it on other more constructive enterprises. but i am weak. and paranoid. the spinning arrow lands at random when i get this way. it's my mother's curse. which brings me to my rationalization that a part of these condensed feelings are about our words the other day, over the phone and on the text message. things that i've been wanting to express for years all shot from me, unchecked. but i am not sorry. what i am sorry for is this feeling of disconnection from people. the suspiciousness that goes along with trying to find intimacy and mostly failing. because i rarely cease to find the specks of dust that fly in the air when the sun shines through my windows. she says kindly: "you have big brown eyes! i didn't realize it before!"

yes. my dowry contains a pair of dark nearsighted eyes which will detect what is in your pores.

i filtered most thoughts that day because i would not stop comparing my family to his and one thing i can't see, is how i could possibly contribute. the idea was too visionary, too far away.

i imagine what it is to see far away and to get dizzy when looking at close details like wrinkles or the dinner menu. maybe if i strongly identify with something, it will come true. what does it mean to have an identity? what brand of life are you/do you have?

she said; "they just expect you to be the same person you were. like you had a silent agreement that this is the way it's going to be. forever. we are constantly making deals like this."

i know what i could do to ruin everything. it would be so easy. i used to act on impulse because i couldn't help it. the fragility of our relationship was too much for me to handle. i need/want something more potent. something built to last. not boundless, you understand, just made to withstand bad weather and whim.

they voiced their concern

that jostled the bonds of

already shaky relations.

i pray not to the sky,

as a lustful martyr;

kissing the wet earth.

a man enters me, i weep;

controlled chaos.

my mother never ceases

to shout on count

biblical metronome

an ancient blend of cryptic creed.

i smoke her remains of reasoning

through an open ended note.

collected my own tears in a bottle

fast away.

a lucky man can

make up his mind

sans sane rumination

skip the country

buy a mattress

i've known him forever.

thus,

here i sit trying

to train my brain to

not to be a stranger to you

how we might find each other in the light.

after years of pouring tea

and swimming in ocean

we find a speck of time to be cruel.

though we could free each other

and think it less laborious to remain still

while the rush of blood and

electric currents innervate

large bodies to dance.

so that is why i ask of you

let us find the lightning of will

to speak and to hear

each other count in circles

bring the elephants,

in with the clowns!

and have them stomp on the laundry!

no pressure.

variables.

an old lover who wants you back and pretends to be fascinated with everything you have to say.

a rhyme entered into a song or poem accidentally clicking in a way that takes the rhythm in a different direction.

he is mad at you but only because he loves you. he threatens to leave, in order to have you.

a chorus of nonsense

she is hiding the cookies to eat later, taking them way from everyone and claiming them her own. but secretly throwing them away.

a group of men who spar with one another. they are putting on a play and the next minute they are forming a sort of mafia.

he watches closely. admires from afar. he requests to sit near but will not participate and hides a wound.

hands playing instruments, giving care, taking care.