i think maybe i'm ready to do ayahuasca. change needs to happen, perhaps violently. the gentleness of time is anxiety provoking. what if there is no revolution? i'm glad to see that the people of america are not as apathetic as i thought. i decided that i'm not annoyed that people are showing their tits at OWS. just because everyone doesn't understand you, doesn't mean that there isn't truth in what you have to say.

it's been an emotional week. billy's aunt angie just died. he hasn't really mourned yet. but i did cry. i hold her in my mind firmly because i feel that we connected and were on the level instantly. she was a caring unique soul. i tried not to act too emotional in front of the family because i didn't want to think.. what the hell is the outsider upset for? not so much the sisters and the brothers in law, but the daughter. i feel her eyes on me. i have both warm and harsh thoughts that i wish i could obliterate with psychic helium or whip its. to whip the passion out of me and refocus it on other more constructive enterprises. but i am weak. and paranoid. the spinning arrow lands at random when i get this way. it's my mother's curse. which brings me to my rationalization that a part of these condensed feelings are about our words the other day, over the phone and on the text message. things that i've been wanting to express for years all shot from me, unchecked. but i am not sorry. what i am sorry for is this feeling of disconnection from people. the suspiciousness that goes along with trying to find intimacy and mostly failing. because i rarely cease to find the specks of dust that fly in the air when the sun shines through my windows. she says kindly: "you have big brown eyes! i didn't realize it before!"

yes. my dowry contains a pair of dark nearsighted eyes which will detect what is in your pores.

i filtered most thoughts that day because i would not stop comparing my family to his and one thing i can't see, is how i could possibly contribute. the idea was too visionary, too far away.

i imagine what it is to see far away and to get dizzy when looking at close details like wrinkles or the dinner menu. maybe if i strongly identify with something, it will come true. what does it mean to have an identity? what brand of life are you/do you have?

she said; "they just expect you to be the same person you were. like you had a silent agreement that this is the way it's going to be. forever. we are constantly making deals like this."

i know what i could do to ruin everything. it would be so easy. i used to act on impulse because i couldn't help it. the fragility of our relationship was too much for me to handle. i need/want something more potent. something built to last. not boundless, you understand, just made to withstand bad weather and whim.