in death she casts her spell, all night we hear her sighs and now a girl has come that has her eyes

3 days no alcohol. i feel similarly, maybe not as emotional. but perhaps that could be for a number of reasons. i had tar coming out of me the other day and lisa was convinced that i was pregnant. i said, no, not possible. caitlin said last night that she wanted me to make babies. the idea of making babies for other people is a little nauseating. to be honest, i wish i could procreate, but i have to get out of this city and into a like-minded community that won't judge me first. raising kids is now a political act. i remember when i got pregnant when i was with patrick, and tom wrote me an essay on email about how i should get an abortion because i have never stuck to any project in my life, and he was pretty certain i wasn't going to start then. i thought someone should put him out, really. but he was right. not about the not following through on anything. that i proved him wrong years later when i announced that i was going back to school, and he wrote me to tell me that i shouldn't make decisions that are long term without deciding every possible negative outcome. all this drama about a 2 year program. my best friend at the time told me her doubts about it as well, and later she dumped me saying i am phony hippie. i felt as though i had no real friends. but concentrating on studies helped me to ignore that. and then caitlin popboy became a real mensch and we became great friends. and now i love the people i work with. but i want more. more souls. 99 souls.

i might be about to embark on a journey through neurology school. key word: might. i've acquired a deep curiosity of neuroscience and neuropathology.

perhaps the sobriety is helping bc i no longer tear up when i tell you these things.

me: I just yelled at my mom

Caitlin: Why

10:19 AM me: Bc she said that tammy is chinese and they are greedy and she is just marrying my dad for money. Its human nature and if I dont realize it I will later as in life.

Caitlin: OMG OMG

me: I was like Fuck that

10:20 AM Caitlin: screw that is right

me: Yeah.

Caitlin: that's awful

10:21 AM me: I went off on her. I said you're so negative and faultfinding of people and i've had it. You have nothing but bad thoughts to share that serve nobody's purpose

Caitlin: and what did she say

me: And I've had it.

10:22 AM Caitlin: what did she say

me: And she said well ill think about it and see if that is true.. and ill try to make a point to change if I need to

Caitlin: wow

me: So weird..

Caitlin: weird

me: I see how Im like her.

Caitlin: very therpist of her

me: Yes

10:23 AM Sigh..

Caitlin: aw i am sorry

me: Still.. I can't imagine her ever being reasonable

10:24 AM But I hope to be among reasonable people in the future.. who have hearts

Caitlin: you do have a heart!

oh oh i get it

10:25 AM you want to be around good hearts

me: Yes

10:26 AM I want to put my guns down. But with these people I am constantly on guard. Bc they raised me

The more contact I have, the more I get pulled in

10:27 AM And the more I can't trust people like billy and his family who are worthy of trust.