neu.

my breasts are out-of-control. i would take pictures, but i think i'm taking up too much space in the world. today i learned that for every website there is a machine running 24/7 to back up that information. i may be getting the facts slightly wrong, but what i'm saying is at least similar to what is really going on. and that bit was slightly disturbing to hear over the phone. it seems like something that should be said in person, with maybe a soothing stroke to the arm, or an embrace, assuring me it's OK. that there is plenty of energy to fuel everything in the world and that is why everything in the world exists, not without pain because pain is the only way we can be certain that we are alive. but that hum of the machines, that's a happy sound, the sound of trying. of succeeding. of things working out for you. if you want you can substitute the sound of the trying machine for the sound of children laughing so that you can associate website maintenance with health and play rather than the melancholy fate of an overheated machine crashing leaving a charred corpse. hopefully they'd recycle it. but back to my breasts.
i had just gone through puberty this past couple of years even though it doesn't make sense being that i'm a middle-aged starlet. just kidding about the starlet part. the puberty part is half true. i grew breasts just recently and also started getting my period. those things weren't present more than 2 years ago because i was anorexic. both things are painful, except the breasts i like and want to keep even though i have to keep eating in order to maintain them. everything takes work. but some people i know have bought fake ones. it's a bionic world. i put great effort into thinking that the people in my world are not crazy and have legitimate reasons for the things they do.

"the most obvious way to do this is not to speculate about the metaphysics of people, surrender to the idea that you know nothing and to instead just let them tell you everything and cultivate the serenity to accept all things. you can potentially gain a lot of knowledge that way if you have the attention span and the understanding to love a person. you can do this for everyone because you are meant to. you were made as capable as any tree or rock or sunrise. any ball and chain or any deserted island made of used dental dams. or any bird of praise or slice of love sandwich. they made you right. you didn't need all the bells and whistles like a trust fund or any of that shit because you are pure and proved man enough to handle all of the obstacles of modern life. so step forward. "

who said that?

i did.

who is that?

the refrigerator.

that's not funny.

oh. i thought it was. for a second. ah, maybe you're right. sorry.

well!

i'm not allowed to tell you, you're supposed to guess.

nuts.

i'll come back later.

my tits are swollen and my hunger is almost maddening. obviously my body has it's own agenda to gain weight and have sex constantly so that i can get pregnant. this i will fight, but not the sex part which i will force on myself with even more fierceness than my hunger induces on its own.

(i feel the need to androgynize my writing but it's impossible because everything always relates back to sex.)